Fear in the big city.

Two weeks ago, I was trying to fall asleep in an Anchorage hotel room when a major earthquake struck. 7.1 counts as major, and it lasted long enough for me to think, amidst my paralyzing fear, "Wow, this is really going on a long time." I had been in Anchorage for an education conference and, thank all the gods, was able to convince my best friend to come up for the weekend with me. So I wasn’t alone in the room when it was over.

Earthquakes are my single biggest fear, besides the loss of my daughter. Luckily, Bestie is wonderful in a bad situation. Once the swaying stopped, she saw that there was no real damage to our room and took care to calm me down before getting on her phone to find out details of what happened. There was no major damage, a testament to current earthquake-proofing of buildings, though I did hear stories later of those on higher floors who had tvs fall off the walls and bathroom doors slam shut. People were shook up but no one was injured.

But the thing that struck me was when Bestie pointed out that "our" earthquake was of a higher magnitude than the one that totally devastated Haiti in 2010. All of their infrastructure was destroyed, many died, and some are still recovering from that disaster.

As I flew home two days later, in the bumpiest flight I have ever had, in the tiny little plane to get home, I had the thought "Well, if the earthquake didn’t kill me, the wind certainly won’t." It didn’t assuage my fear any but it did make me aware that fear is something I can consciously acknowledge now in a way I couldn’t before. I know there is the Fight or Flight response that is our instinctual way to protect ourselves but I have added an additional reaction: paralysis. I felt like if I didn’t move on the bumpy plane rides, it would help the plane stay up. If I lay in the bed with my pillow over my head, it would keep the building from crumbling around me.

Fear is designed to save us. If I embrace my fear, it won’t take away the cause but it may make it more manageable.